Shoved By A Rainbow
by BlueJay026
Summary: Have you ever wanted to know what it's like to be a Viking? Have you ever wondered what it's like to be Gildar, the Golden Viking? If so, then read on!
1. Chapter 1: My Youth

**A/N: Just to make sure we all know this, some of this stuff listed comes from Splatalot's Facebook page or the Splatalot website. So, I did not make up every detail in this story. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Splatalot, nor do I own Shoved By A Rainbow.**

Chapter One

I was always the handsomest viking in my class. My hair was shinier, my biceps were bigger, and my abs were harder. There was no doubt about it. Perhaps you've picked up this book because you realized this truth, and that you'd like to become more like me. My dear fan, if that's the case, I sincerely congratulate you. I shall reward your expectations by telling you everything I know about being me, Gildar, the gorgeous viking.

As you probably already know, I am a Defender of the Kingdom of Splatalot. I learned everything I know about being a Defender at an academy called Defender School. I started Defender School when I was just a little viking. In my teenage years, I was teamed up with eight other Defenders, who are still working alongside me to this day, and are people who you can read about another time.

However, I must express my irritation towards one of the eight, which is directly related to my concern towards the youth of today. One of the eight Defenders is a barbarian named Skabb. He rarely speaks a word, but he always insists on screaming and yelling. Many young people of today have the same issue that he has.

What's wrong with the youth of today? That they can't express themselves through words? When I was not in school, I was busy pillaging villages with my fellow vikings. We had the decency to not just yell at people but to say "Hey, we're pillaging and plundering your village."

While I was in Defender School, I got straight G's for being gorgeous. Impressed? It was here that I was taught the basics of weaponry, good aim, and how to properly splat things. It was a little hard to grasp at first, but I soon became a master.

A year or so before I graduated, I had picked out what my signature weapon would be: the Tenderizer. It's a relic from my hometown, crafted by some of the bravest, toughest vikings who had ever existed, besides myself. The Tenderizer is a massive hammer that I can swing with tremendous force. It's much too large and unwieldy for your average Defender.

After my fellow Defenders and I had graduated from Defender School, we went on together to the Kingdom of Splatalot. We strove to protect the kingdom and the crown from any attacking enemies ever since we arrived, and we've been doing so ever since.


	2. Chapter 2: My Hair

Chapter Two

Oftentimes at Defender School, and oftentimes to this day, I was asked how I was able to get such great hair. The answer is simple: I was just born with such great hair. That's all there is to it.

My beautiful, flowing hair is silky-smooth and free of split ends. It's naturally a chestnut color, extends a little past shoulder length, and has more volume than any other Defender. Although it's gorgeous all year round, there are some seasons when it's not at its best. My hair doesn't do well in rainy weather, and it constantly gets messed up in the wind. It looks its best during the spring season.

I shampoo and condition it twice daily, with and only with the recommended brand of hair products shipped straight from Handsomeville: _Georgeous. _I cut it only twice a year, and never even dare to think to add any highlights. My hair is all natural. Period.

If you ever have trouble on deciding what type of haircut to get, take my advice and cut it like mine. Don't settle for those abhorrent mohawks, like SOME Defenders insist on doing. Try having perfect hair like mine for once. I promise you that you won't regret it.

I always start my day handsomely by staring at the mirror for at least fifteen minutes. Sometimes twenty if I need a little extra confidence. I suggest that you start doing the same to lead a better, healthier, and more gorgeous lifestyle. Just take one look at me if you need any re-assurance.


	3. Chapter 3: My Gorgeous Appearance

Chapter Three

I was always the best Defender of the Splatalot Kingdom, and not to mention the strongest. I have very few, if any, weaknesses of my own, and my leadership skills usually form winning strategies out on the battlefield, which puts us Defenders at a huge advantage over those sassy Attackers.

But, though I could go on and on about how skilled I am as a Defender, I've dedicated this chapter to my gorgeous appearance. My appearance is made up of 35% awesome muscle tone, 40% handsome complexion, and 25% great hair.

I work out once a day, usually right after the Attackers raid the castle (or three o' clock if there are no Attackers that day). I always start by power curling three hundred-fifty-pounds two hundred times for each arm. Afterwards, I benchpress six-hundred pounds, then do four hundred sit-ups. Finally, I run twenty times around the moat in five minutes (sometimes four minutes and fifty-three seconds). Sometimes, when I feel really good, I even run through the course. It's actually quite relaxing.

My complexion is just like my hair: it's gorgeous and all natural. Like I said earlier, stare at a picture of me for fifteen minutes or so to lead a better lifestyle. My reflection gives me more confidence, and it will for you, too. And a little bit of guyliner never hurt anyone. Just try not to wear any when it's raining.

Did I mention I was the best looking Defender of the castle?


	4. Chapter 4: My Marriage

Chapter Four

While I was in Defender School, I fell in love with a young croc-woman, who is now a fellow Defender of mine. I'm not exactly sure why I loved her at first. Maybe it was her gorgeous smile, or her pretty brown eyes, or just the way she threw Skabb against the steel lockers after he had hit her pet crocodile with a dodge ball in gym class. But for whatever reason, I loved her.

She didn't reciprocate my feelings at first, but as time went on, she soon saw how truly handsome I was, and what a gorgeous viking I was, and decided to give me a chance. Just one date was enough for her to fall in love with me. She told me it was becuase I was able to love her despite her outer appearance. But I believe that it was mostly because of my good looks. When we graduated together, we were both in our twenties. We were also engaged. Secretly, of course. I never invited our other fellow graduating Defenders to our wedding. No one needed to know.

I'd rather not talk about why we split up. It's too painful to recall. All I can say is that I gave her up, and she gave me up. Back then, we both believed that it was for our own good. But now I'm not so sure. Our decision had still hurt both of us greatly.

Rest assured, though, she never did anything wrong, and neither did I. Well, maybe we were wrong to split up, but what I mean is that we were both faithful to one another during our marriage. Neither of us ever set our eyes on someone else.(However, now that we're separated, we're both free to pursue someone else. I'm currently working on winning a date with a certain kilted huntress.)

My former wife and I are good friends now, and we hold no bitter or cold feelings towards each other.

And I'm still as handsome as I was then.


	5. Chapter 5: My Kingdom

Chapter Five

On the night of our graduation, my fellow Defenders and I had made the crown of Splatalot. We crafted it out of leprechauns' gold and gnomes' jewels. It was then that we decided that we would name the kingdom that we would defend the Kingdom of Splatalot.

Although, I still believe that the Kingdom of Gildar would of been a much better name.

When my fellow Defenders and I first came to the castle, it was in a state of disrepair. The castle was in ruins, the moat wasn't green at all, and there were no weapons anywhere! Much work had to be done in order to make it a beautiful, yet terrifying, kingdom. We got to work repairing it right away.

Before the teenage Attackers of today came along, we were constantly under attack by mythical creatures. Countless ogres, rabid unicorns, giants, and Santa Clause. (Don't listen to any of those fairy tales; he sneaked into our castle to get the crown. But rest assured, he won't be coming back anytime soon.)

It was during these rough times that the obstacles were still being constructed. However, not all of the obstacles of the castle are Tinkor's specialties. In fact, many of the obstacles we have now came from our defeated opponents.

I'll list a few examples for you. The Beastly Battle Axes came from a pair of giants that once attempted to breach the castle. I said "_attempted._" We kept their axes. It was only fair. The Rope Bridge of Disaster was made from defeated knights' shields and a thread woven by dungeon prisoners. The Perilous Pole Vault skulls once belonged to a castle chef who used too many rotting foods in his cooking. He "donated" his body to castle science, and we've cooked our own food ever since.

Finally, after about a year of living at the castle, it was finally finished. Tinkor had gotten all the weapons working and installed, including the Mace Roll, Splatzookas, Froth Broth-Er, Lethal Launchers, and countless others. Our alchemist, Thorne, had finished various slime, goo, and foam formulas for our weapons, as well.

By the time it was finished, we were no longer under attack by those pathetic mythical creatures. But we were, however, under attack by groups of teenagers, better known as Attackers. Their mission is to retrieve the crown of Splatalot, making them the king or queen of the kingdom. If my fellow Defenders would just do their job right, like me, then the Attackers would NEVER get the crown! But no, SOMEONE always gets the crown at least once a week!

But the new kings and queens never stay for long; their parents usually take them home at the end of the day. The longest Splatalot monarch that ever stayed was for three days, and that was because her parents couldn't tell the difference between a map and a restaurant menu.


	6. Chapter 6: My Pastimes

Chapter Six

As I was writing this book, I thought to myself how gorgeous and viking-like you must have become just by reading all about me, then recalled that I had barely told you anything about my interests and hobbies. How can you learn to be more like me, the mighty Gildar, if you knew nothing of my favorite pastimes? I then decided that it would do you some good to dedicate this chapter to my interests and hobbies.

I'm into deep conditioning. There's just nothing like having perfect, volumized, knot-free hair, from morning to evening, and from evening to morning. Don't you just hate it when you wake up one morning and discover that your hair is tangled, flat, and greasy? My dear fan, I am so sorry if that ever happens to you. I have never had a loathsome experience such as that in my entire life, so I can only wonder how awful it must be, how you could possibly put up with it. If you have any bad hair days, contact me immediately. I've put my e-mail address in the very back of the book. You're welcome.

Another hobby of mine, which I believe I've mentioned earlier, is excercising. My favorite exercises are chest and bicep work-outs. If you'd like to be as strong as me, take my words of advice: go back to Chapter Three and read about my daily excercise routine, then go out and do it. Feel the burn, it's good for you.

I also quite enjoy writing autobiographies; I have the perfect subject to write about. There's not a more interesting subject than me, Gildar, the Golden Viking. And I'm sure, that right at this very moment, you're finding it as rewarding as I do. That's why you picked up this book, isn't it?

I have a special affection for mirrors. Any kind of mirror. Blue mirrors, yellow mirrors, gold mirrors, bronze mirrors, big mirrors, small mirrors, new mirrors, ancient mirrors. I've never met a mirror I didn't like. I can see my handsome reflection in every one of them. I do have a favorite, though. I'm particularly fond of my little red mirror with a golden "G" on the back. I carry it around with me everywhere. I don't know what I'd do without it.

I feel that I must share with you the one thing I detest more than anything else in life: sass. I don't like sass. It's disrespectful. My dear Gildar wannabe, it is my quest to rid the world of sassiness. There's nothing I enjoy more than a good stopping of the sass. I cannot express in words how satisfying it is when a sassy Attacker thinks he's going to make it past me, but then figures out that it's time to wake up from his little fantasy.

Oh, and of course, I enjoy defending the castle. I wouldn't have gone to Defender School if I had never wanted to be in the business.


	7. Chapter 7: My Family

Chapter Seven

As I have mentioned ealier, I grew up in a village full of vikings. However, I don't believe I mentioned that my village was called Handsomeville. Look at my face and you'll see where it got its name.

My two wonderful parents grew up together in Handsomeville. And I believe you owe them both a huge debt of gratitude. My father proposed to my mother, they were married, and here I am. The world would be a much worse place than it is now without me, wouldn't it?

My father taught me many great things, such as how to exercise effectively. He was (and is, I should say,) strong, buff, and a professional viking, just like I am now. Starting from his early youth, he participated in many sea battles and village raids, and is considered in Handsomeville to be the stuff of legends. But he's not as legendary as me.

Everyone says I look just like my viking mother. I have the exact same skin tone, eye color, and hair color as her. So, as you can imagine, my mother is extremely gorgeous. However, as good-looking as she is, she's not as gorgeous as I am. No one really is.

I have a cousin named Faetal. She too grew up in Handsomeville. She and her family lived down by the river in the more remote part of our village. She's an Amazonian by birth. That always confuses me; if we're related, and she's an Amazon, then why am I a viking? (And a strikingly handsome one, at that.)

Faetal and I were great friends, and we still are. I just wish that she wasn't so fond of the village river. She, her mother, and her father loved to go on river raft rides, and always insisted that I joined them. I hate rafting! Rivers are full of water, and water messes up my beautiful, gorgeous hair!

Faetal's currently in Defender School, training to be a Defender just like me. I hate to disappoint her, but no one is as great a Defender as I am. No one can beat perfection.


End file.
